Yes, the dead horse is about to be revived and beat again. This is a topic that never seems to go away—you know—interracial dating. Recently I responded to a Madame Noire topic on Twitter about Taye Diggs
Something curious struck me—the chorus of ‘we don’t care, I don’t care or my favorite no one curr’. I find it baffling that when a Black male celebrity dates out some Black women lose their collective minds—
I never liked him
He corny anyway
His wife is fugly
But the minute that man makes a comment about the insults hurled at him we see the whole ‘no one checking for you boo’ But weeks, months, years earlier when that man started dating a non-Black woman the comments were incendiary.
So, I’m like which is? Women who don’t care don’t go on the verbal attack about a man they never liked anyway, a man they find corny anyway etc.
Obviously, some people do care otherwise we wouldn’t keep having this topic come up week after week, year after year. And likewise, some Black men will get bent out of shape and resort to calling Black women who date out—bed wenches, belly warmers and worse for women they too claim to find ugly, let the dorky White guy have her ass, etc.
And something I’ve noticed online, just mention Black woman and White man in the same sentence and Black men will rage a verbal attack against you. I’m sure White men do the same to White women who date out (and definitely vice versa), but my article is about our community.
I never understand the angry outbursts from Black men online who by their own admission hate Black women, or find Black women unattractive.
I’ve said many times over that many Black men are only mad because they want to explore their options with women of other races, but they want Black women at home pining for them. They want Black women upset when they date out and sadly too many Black women give them that satisfaction by reacting to it.
Both sexes need to get a handle on themselves when it comes to getting mad, or upset about a Black man or Black woman dating out. Notice, when Black men become enraged when a Black woman dates out, but you hear crickets when it’s a Black man.
Same thing with some Black women, they get mad and upset when it’s a Black man, but don’t say anything when it’s a Black woman who dates out. It’s that inconsistency that is making people mad. I say if you’re going to be mad, then be mad at your sex too.
The fact of the matter is—dating interracially is still a sore spot for some people, probably most regardless of race. But in our case there are many underlying issues still at play between Black men and Black women.
I personally don’t have an issue with people who date out as long as they don’t degrade the opposite sex to do so. I can give a few stories of being accosted by a Black man in public who had a non-Black girlfriend or wife.
Some of those men can be downright nasty, unprovoked. It seems as though any Black woman becomes their enemy whether he knows you or not, you’re a Black woman and he is ready to attack.
I actually had a Black man shove me in a movie theater once, when I saw who he was with, it became clear. Now had I reacted, he would have told his White wife or whoever she was, ‘see that’s why I don’t deal with Black women’, yet he SHOVED me.
It hurt me at first, because I didn’t know this man, I was just the nameless face of a Black woman who had hurt him. That is what I have a problem with.
And finally, why oh why do people act like Black women are the only ones who care when Black men date out?
Notice on Married to Medicine reunion when Andy Cohen asked, Dr. Simone and the other ladies how would they feel if their son brought home a White girl? Why doesn’t Andy ask the White housewives that? Guess what? Their reaction would be the SAME!!
So newsflash, White women don’t like it either, not in the very least. White men goes without saying, we know they don’t like Black men with White women unless it’s some fetish bull crap.
So bottom line, the reason why IRR still a hot button topic is because
a) there is still bad blood between races,
b) there is bad blood between the sexes in the Black race—a lot of hurt and unresolved pain from both sexes.
And for some IR dating is the ultimate betrayal.
A lot of Black women feel that there aren’t enough decent Black men to begin with, etc. At the end of the day, people are going to date interracially. For people who have an issue with it, if you drop dead tomorrow, people are going to still date interracially.
And something I've written online before on this very topic, Black people who date/marry IR is still a very small percentage. If our community as a whole was more cohesive, I don't think IRR would be so glaring.
Please note, just my observation and opinion.
I really could care less who dates who, as long as they don’t degrade the opposite for their choice.
Facebook Destinee Romance Novella
I have always been a Marvel superheroes fan—not to the point of going to Comic-Con or dressing up, but simply going to watch them at the movies or on TV.
I must admit that Black Panther was never really on my radar. But when I heard it was in the works I knew I wanted to see it. My husband and I went to see this movie on the 3rd day of its release and the theater was packed. I loved seeing how we came out to support this movie and the actors/actresses.
I went to see the Black Panther with a preconceived notion that I might not like it and it would be cheesy—I am happy to say the movie proved me wrong. It was well done, not cheesy and it even brought a tear or two from my eyes.
Why? Well, because, I think we are in agreement that we are tired of the slave movies, movies like The Help, or down-trodden Black women movies, I know I am. So anytime I can see a movie about a Black character that is not a stereotype is a breath of fresh air to me.
Black Panther was a thrilling experience to the senses. The movie takes place in a fictional African country by the name of Wakanda. To the outside world it looks like a third world country, but in another dimension it is really a vibrant, modern and rich country closed off from the rest of the world.
I loved how the movie kept traditional African Elements but infused it with modern technology. I absolutely loved the cohesiveness of the Black country—the love, the respect and strength of the Black race—in this case untouched by slavery and years of the civil rights movement. These people are self-sustaining and proud.
I loved the fact that they used Black actresses that looked Black and not racially ambiguous. Certainly not hating and no disrespect to racially ambiguous women or actresses, but come on, be fair with it then. They rarely use racially ambiguous Black men to portray Black men.
Chad Boseman (T’Challa/Black Panther) is becoming my new favorite Black actor—move over Denzel (still love you though ;) ) Chad was perfect, he had vulnerability and a strength about him which kept your eyes glued to the screen. Plus he is not hard on the eyes at all.
I also enjoyed the cute little banter between him and his sister (Shuri) played by Letitia Wright.
Lupita Nyongo was stunning as his love interest. I would love to see her and Chad in a nice romantic movie. It’s about time to showcase a love story with melanin rich people in love in a sweet romance. I won’t hold my breath that it will happen, but one can dream, right?
Danai Gurira as Okoye. I’m a fan of hers anyway because of The Walking Dead. There is so much that can be said about this movie and I will probably revisit this article as more people watch the movie and make their comments.
I give it 4 out of 5 stars.
Facebook Destinee Romance Novella
By Lisa Marbly-Warir
Lord where do I start? We are two episodes in and the arrow on my cringe-o-meter is still pointing towards what the crap is this mess? I want to like this show. I love the fact that Black women can be showcased as vulnerable, wanting love like any other woman and getting their happy on.
As a matter of fact I probably would have loved this show twenty or thirty years ago—in regards to a Black woman being fawned over by a non-Black man and let me explain-this was before I knew how deep stereotypes about Black women went and how many other cultures view Black women as naturally loose and not wife material.
I even had an African man tell me one day that Black American women were known for having five men at one time.
Not to mention, we as Black women since girlhood have been told directly and indirectly that we are not as pretty or desirable as other women.
I am a little dismayed by this show. I feel it is falsely telling Black women that Italian men are waiting to romance and marry them. Does it happen? Probably, but is it the norm or an exception?
I can see this turning sour fast if Black women en masse decide to go to Italy only to come back as unmarried and with child. Right now we are watching women who’ve made bad choices with relationships and now want a White Knight (pun intended) in shining armor to sweep them off of their feet.
The issue isn’t Black women wanting to cross the ocean for love; it’s the issue that many of us aren’t/weren’t taught how to be in a relationship. Many are not taught about being wife vs. a baby mama, or a forever girlfriend.
The grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.
We aren’t trying to fix what is going on over here in regards to dating/relationships/marriage stats etc.
But, if these women find genuine love in the arms of one of the Italian men, I’d be the first to be happy for them.
Twenty to thirty years ago, the dating landscape was not as dire as it is now and yes I believe it is worse for Black women and for a variety of reasons. It would make my post too long to cite every reason. But you can check out my Youtube channel. I discuss things like-
Are Black women raising their daughters to be single?
Is Church keeping Black women single?
Click below for videos
I am feeling some kind of way about this show—mostly because in the back of my mind I’m thinking about what other people are thinking about these women.
They’re older, divorced, have been in long term (never married relationships) baby mamas, mothers etc. Do these Italian men want them as wives? Do these men want a readymade family? I think this show would have been better if it was more of a random type situation.
I think these women’s heads were gassed up believing that Italian men were just waiting with open arms to women they’ve never really been involved with before. And the women are acting, well, desperate. At least they were in the first episode.
There is so much more that can be discussed here and I may revisit at a later date. I hope there is some redeeming quality to this show, because right now…
Please note—I am not against interracial relationships at all and this is not what my article is about. I’ve written two interracial romance novels. I just feel this show needs a little tweaking.
Thanks for reading.
By Lisa Marbly-Warir
I put some because obviously many Black women are married, getting married and are for marriage, but there is still a large amount that are not. I often wonder about why, or at least I used to wonder until I started seeing a startling protest against marriage from many women who say they are Black online.
Every so often I will see posts on a particular website that suggest that Black women are better off not being married at all. I recently saw an article called Ways to commit without being married on Madame Noire. Is there an agenda to push this on Black women?
I believe that specific article was written by a White woman but it was posted on a largely Black female forum. Honestly, I don’t think White women or other race women get these articles geared towards them.
Look at how the media is geared towards White women and women of other races—she and a man running through a field of flowers, holding hands, a marriage ceremony etc. But for Black women you’d be hard pressed to see the same types of images. (Not that you don’t, but it’s not the same)
The scary thing is many young Black women eat up the ‘I don’t need to be married brigade’ like candy. But then some of those same young women will ask ‘Why aren’t men asking their baby mama’s, their fiancée of umpteen years etc. to get married?
Or some will wonder why they are raising a child or children by themselves. If marriage is just a piece of paper, or no big deal to you as a woman, why would it be a big deal to the men who asks for the woman’s hand in marriage?
I’m going to post a list of some of the reasons I have seen online from Black women who say they are against marriage.
The site that I speak of, any time marriage or wives come up it turns into a—them (single) against us (married) or vs. versa. And the post usually crashes and burns with a lot of name calling on both sides. So without further ado here are some of the reasons I have seen--
So we have to consider why the marriage rate in our communities compared to others is much lower.
Black women are raising the men who don't want marriage
Black women are raising the young ladies who don't see marriage as a viable option
Also, some women think they have years to snag a husband. That’s not to say that you can’t meet and marry the right man at a later age (I did)
but I am an advocate of getting your husband young(er) if possible for a variety of reasons.
I realize the dating landscape has changed from when I was a younger woman. But I know that marriage is beneficial to men, women and especially children whose biological parents are in a healthy marriage.
Please note as I always do, this message isn’t for all women. Some women are very content not being married or ever being married. I’m talking to women who are pro-marriage and want to be one day if they aren’t already.
Thanks for reading
Of course some of my stories are inspired by real communities (Rosedale Park, Palmer Park, Sherwood Forest in Detroit) fictionalized through my characters.
**any similarities between these communities, my characters and real people are purely coincidental**
For me romance is about entertainment and escapism. Going into a world of make believe for an hour or two and even longer. Ironically enough when I was an avid reader—gothic romance or historical romance were my go to genres. I could go through two romance novels a week.
Thing is, none of the heroines looked like me—a Black woman. As a Black reader I wanted to read a story about women that looked like me, in love with her handsome Prince Charming in the scenario that I wanted her to be in.
So what did I do? I decided to write my own stories and chose affluent Black communities as the backdrop—as opposed to the hood/urban romance that are highly popular.
Which brings me to the point of this post—when I started writing, my goal was to write clean, Christian romance. And though I think there is a market out here for that, the landscape of courtship and dating has changed since the first book I wrote some 16 years ago.
I ultimately veered off and decided to be a little more realistic with my heroines, in that, most women are not waiting until marriage today or even 16 years ago, but that was the story I wanted to tell of my characters. For some readers the idea of waiting is just too unrealistic.
So, you may wonder, what does affluent Black communities and gothic romance have to do with each other? Nothing actually, but to write a believable story for a Black heroine I had to think of a world to put her in.
As I mentioned earlier, hood/urban stories are all the rage right now and while they hold no interest for me, I have incorporated some superficial urban nuances in some of my stories.
For example in Jewel—A Chance at Love, Jewel is instrumental in helping to revitalize her urban community.
Or, I have some of my characters spend time downtown—specifically downtown Detroit.
I like to tell myself that my stories are Hallmark Channel-ish, but with Black characters. Although, when I think of Hallmark Channel, I think of small town, quaint, picturesque—cutesy. I hope when people read my stories this is what it conveys. Light-hearted, feel-good with a balance of romance and drama.
So, where are the real affluent Black communities?
I got this list from BET
Starring Queen Latifah, Jada Pickett, Regina Hall and Tiffany Haddish.
When four lifelong friends travel to New Orleans for the annual Essence Festival, sisterhoods are rekindled, wild sides are rediscovered, and there's enough dancing, drinking, brawling, and romancing to make the Big Easy blush. Credit IMDB
Before seeing this movie I read on a social media site about a YouTube video by Boyce Watkins and a forum where Black men were talking despairingly about this movie. (According to them—showing Black women in a negative, stereotypical light)
The majority of women who took exception to their words were upset because they felt it was just a blow against Black women trying to be happy, carefree and living life on their terms—and men being upset because they weren’t the center of attention etc. (don’t know how true that is, that’s just an example of what I read online)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXNJqzSCqvE Boyce Watkins video
I listened to what Boyce Watkins had to say—but wasn’t going to let it be a deterrent. I still wanted to see and support this movie. I enjoyed the movie, it was well done, it was LOL funny and it had some touching moments—pretty predictable.
Now, as much as I liked this movie, Boyce Watkins does have a point—the over-sexualization of the characters in this movie and the subliminal message of what it is sending to young Black girls and young Black ladies in general—a demographic that is already high risk for STD’s and adding to the OOW epidemic.
At the same time, part of me says, it’s just a movie and we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. At the end of the day this is a movie Black women wanted to see and didn’t we come out and support this movie? We sure did. 30.4 million opening day.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel that we as Black women are almost starved for a movie that shows us as something other than a slave, asexual, the Black *man-less token friend or the struggling downtrodden Black woman trope that I am so tired of. This movie was a breath of fresh air to me but I do see the pros and cons of the movie.
*Speaking of man-less, ironically all of the women were man-less in this movie except for Regina Hall’s character and even then her husband was a cheating so-and-so. But that is another point for another day.
Pros—funny, seeing 4 beautiful Black, educated, successful women, living life on their terms, sisterhood, a throwback to the 90’s—did I mention funny?
Cons—for me it was age appropriation, some of the antics showcased in this movie would have been better suited for younger women (even still it was a bit much at times)
Having 40-something, educated women acting irresponsible over sex and drinking wasn’t cute. As a matter of fact some of the lingo was definitely of a younger generation.
The swearing, I know people swear. But I was never a swearer and neither is my family. However, I know its common place for many homes.
I give the movie ★★★★☆
Get your girlfriends and support this movie
Facebook Destinee Romance Novella
This question “What is your favorite book that you wrote?” was posed to me the other day at a book fair. Fair question, but I was stuck like a deer in the headlights. I’m used to asking people what their favorite book is, or people asking me what my favorite book is—you know, a book written by someone else. So when the question came my way about one of my own books I was slightly taken aback and had to think about it.
I pointed to the book cover with my character Destinee on it A Love Worth Waiting For—Destinee’s Story. I said, well she is my first published work—I put my heart into her character. To the point where some readers asked me if the book was about me. It isn’t, but I do think a lot of writers put some of themselves into the books they write.
A writer and an author would understand. When you write, the book becomes a part of you, or maybe you become a part of that book—it’s a tossup. You eat, sleep and dream these characters and sometimes it’s hard to separate from them. They’re always in your mind doing or saying something.
I was glad for the question because it gave me a chance to answer a buyer and reader about what makes me tick, in a sense. I also told the reader, I was torn between my very first book A Love Worth… and my newest release The Millionaire—Diamonds are Forever.
These two books and the main characters Destinee and Quisha are opposites for the most part—although similarities are there. They are both college students, reared by single mothers. Each character had a wealthy man take a liking to them. Isn’t there a Cinderella in all of us?
But that’s where the similarities end in regards to—to be blunt, sex.
Destinee wants to maintain her virginity until marriage, and of course that hinders her dating prospects in modern dating. Quisha on the other hand, doesn’t have that constraint hanging over her head; she ends up working as a stripper to pay for college.
I chose these two books as my favorites because I think both characters, while different in some aspects are similar in that they want love, respect and happiness just like any other woman. Plus, I like their male counterparts. Perhaps one day I will do an article about which of my heroes I like the best. Edward (Destinee) or Chad (Quisha) hmmm.
By Lisa Marbly-Warir
Charley from Queen Sugar
First of all I would like to start off with, I absolutely love this show. So what I’m about to talk about isn’t a diss, but an observation I’ve witnessed a few times on TV in regards to well-to-do Black female characters. I’ve even seen it IRL.
Taking the Black woman down a peg or two—that’s how it seemed to me in the My Soul’s High Song 7/5/2017 Queen Sugar episode.
I could see—or at least it was my perception of disapproval on Remy’s face when Charley was looking at that beautiful stately home in gasp—the Landry’s, her competitor and nemesis’ community (I personally wouldn’t want to live down the street from an enemy especially the Landry’s)
However, I understood the message conveyed during that short exchange between Charley and Remy—Remy’s reasoning why Charley acquiring a big fancy house would be deemed audacious to the Black farmers in the area the very people she wants to help. Or was it something deeper, subconsciously? Was it a way to keep a Black person of means, especially a Black woman in her place?
I mean, how dare this successful Black woman buy a big house that she can clearly afford at the risk of offending the people in the area—both Black and White. I can’t think of a successful White female character, or successful White woman in general having to explain why she wants a big beautiful home in the area that she wants. So why is it a problem for Charley? Why does she have to downplay who she is? Was Remy right to question her about her choice?
It’s like we as a race have this idea that if one Black succeeds they should feel guilty about having more than the average or less fortunate Black and if a successful Black person is fortunate they must downplay it—as not to front or stunt on people still trying to get their piece of the American dream.
A few years ago I wrote about a successful Black hair care entrepreneur Jewel—A Chance at Love
who had the same type of scenario Charley had with Remy. Jewel wanted to purchase a home in a gated community. Her own business was in an urban area that she had helped revitalize and she wanted a home to reflect her new status in life. She was instantly met with haters who accused her of forgetting where she came from. So when I saw the same thing happen to Charley it struck a chord with me.
At the end of the Queen Sugar episode I did like the moving into the mill scene with her family rallying around her. Even after all that I just wrote, Charley and Micah living in the mill just made sense but I didn’t like that she had to be questioned about her original choice first.
If you haven't watched this show please check it out.
If it helps it's got some eye candy.
I do not own the image above
By Lisa Marbly-Warir
Got me to thinking about the main characters in my books and would they get along in real life? Reality TV—particularly The Housewives, draws in millions of viewers each week. We all have our favorite show(s) and our favorite ladies. My favorite reality TV shows are,
#The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Kenya, Cynthia, Kandi)
Beverly Hills (Lisa, Kyle, Erica)
#RHOP (Giselle, Monique, Robin)
and honorable mention #Married to Medicine (Dr. Heavenly, Dr. Jackie, Dr. Simone, Lisa)
I know these shows are mostly scripted, but for the off chance they are real to a certain degree—I came to the conclusion a while ago that some of these women can’t possibly be real friends. Real friends lift you up, they don’t throw shade and little digs.
Maybe I’m late to the party and missing the point. I guess we wouldn’t be tuning in if everything was always roses and sunshine.
Is strife and shade throwing the new norm in friendship? Or has it always been like this? I think yes for the most part. In high school I could differentiate between my real friends and the fake ones, or the ones who were wolves in sheep’s clothing.
You would think the older you get some of the trivialities of high school behavior would be water under the bridge, but sadly that is not the case.
I know my characters because I wrote them and while I would like to think they are kindred spirits—it isn’t likely they would be true friends. Some of them come from similar backgrounds and would ultimately run in the same circles; but they all have different life experiences, life goals and beginnings that probably wouldn’t sync with one another.
I get it, at the end of the day the women in the reality TV shows do what they do for a paycheck. The messier and more conniving they are gets them fans and a following and we tune in every week for their antics.
But would we put up with some of those behaviors in real life? Me? No.
So that brings me to the main female characters in my books—would they get along if they were in a reality TV show?
Let’s explore this—we have,
Destinee (A Love Worth Waiting For—Destinee’s Story) #1
She is the good girl out of all of the women. She, as with the other women I will mention have their own little antagonizer that is unique to them in their stories.
Destinee is really no stranger to ridicule for upholding certain standards about herself. She would get along with the other ladies for the most part, but she wouldn’t take their crap. I don’t see her as hanging with people she didn’t like just to hang with them.
Jewel (Jewel—A Chance at Love)
Jewel is the second oldest of all of the ladies (late thirties into her forties). Pettiness and phoniness is behind her. She’s an entrepreneur, and is about her money. So she wouldn’t have time to hang with messy women who would take her down.
Evermore (Under The Irish Moon)
Evermore follows the beat of her own drummer. She is a reader and an adventurer. She’s open-minded. She could possibly give the ladies a run for their money. She won’t start anything, but she will attempt to finish it if you start with her.
Quisha (The Millionaire—Diamonds are Forever)
Quisha is like Evermore, they are about living their own lives on their terms and not really caring what people think. She and Evermore would probably be the real friends of the group.
Jazzlyn (Born Out of Lust) #3
Jazzlyn is the oldest of the ladies and she is the hungriest for money and status. She would definitely be cutthroat for the things in life she wants. Jazzlyn would be the messiest of all the women.
In my opinion these women would not be true friends. They would hang in the same affluent circle. Most of them brought there by the men in their lives—however, Jewel is the only one who is a self-made millionaire and would possibly look down on the other women for using men for their come up.
Amazon.com: lisa marbly warir
By Lisa Marbly-Warir
originally written 2016
Disclaimer-I know talks of marriage can be a sore spot for some women. I decided for those who are interested in what I have to say can glean from the article what they want and don’t want. I know that some people are desperately trying to undermine the importance of marriage—but for some of us it is still an important institution.
I’m presently working on a book called What Your Mama Didn’t Tell You (working title)
Update~Published 8/16/2016 Sisters Can we Talk—What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell us
I would like to tackle many things I feel women are not learning or getting which is why so many are left to fend for themselves with children, or reach a certain age and want marriage but can’t find the right man. I feel men are especially spoiled today. They know they can create children and leave, shack up with a woman and promise marriage for years, knowing he has no intention of it.
Get commitment less sex and even ‘committed’ but not married sex etc. A lot of men, whether they say it or not have a 'Why buy the cow when they can get the milk for free?' attitude. He is not going to say this to the woman he is sleeping with—who may want marriage. Because for some of them it's 'If it ain't broke why
A lot of women are asking that men be the men of yesteryear—family oriented, marry them, take care of his kids—but those same women are not trying to be the women of yesteryear who for the most part had children within marriage, expected marriage, shunned men who were not husband material etc.
I often see a lot of double talk in regards to marriage (online) I actually don’t know where to start with this. It’s a subject that is beaten half to death on various geared to Black women sites I’ve visited over the years. It will continue to be beaten to death because there is never any resolution and many women are still complaining about raising kids alone, or wanting to settle down but can’t find a marriage-minded man.
I see a lot of disdain towards marriage, Black men and sometimes towards women who are wives and I often wonder is the disdain from wanting to be married but can’t find the right man to commit?
Or disdain because children are here and the father of the child(ren) refused to marry the mother?
Is it disdain because marriage is simply not important to some women?
The flip side is—many of those same women are complaining that the men they had children with (unmarried) are not stepping up to the plate of responsibility. I’ve been accused of giving men a pass and absolving them of their responsibility.
Um, no. When you as a woman have kids with a man who didn’t commit to you through marriage, you absolved him. Harsh but true.
What happened to love, marriage then baby? (Let me stop here, yes I know a man can marry you and still leave—that is a rather tired rebuttal I read a lot online. When I counter ask, what married men do you know is just up and leaving his family like that? I NEVER get an answer.
Does it mean that married men don’t leave, absolutely not, but I don’t believe they are leaving in droves the way some posters online like to believe. I’ve often said online that somewhere in time some women decided that having a husband was a waste of time, not important, all men cheat anyway the list of negativity towards marriage goes on and on and I am really baffled at the origins of it.
One media site I like to visit; most posters there know I am pro-marriage and being pro-marriage has actually gotten me called all kinds of spiteful names. And I’m like wow, so in order for a woman to be married or want marriage something has to be wrong with her? Really? The name calling also tells me it has to be something deeper within that person, to melt down over the suggestion of getting married and then having children.
I’ve also mentioned that if some women (posters in regards to that site I won’t mention) are that anti marriage online, then what are they like in real life? Is that sentiment spilling over into their relationships with men? Men, who are ultimately the ones who ask the woman for her hand in marriage. I’ve read a few articles on Black women and marriage and at times the articles contradict each other and also contradict what I see in real life.
I hear a few women who are honest enough to admit out loud that they want a husband, they want to get married. I have found that it’s almost frowned upon to admit such a thing. I can only conclude it is to save face, meaning if a woman who wants marriage never gets married she can always say ‘I never wanted to get married anyway.’
At the end of the day I don’t believe many Black women are being honest about really wanting marriage. Truly, don’t believe me, check out some of the Black social sites and pay close attention anytime marriage subjects come up they tend to turn into insults being hurled with women on different sides of the fence. ie either for marriage or not.
I believe more Black women could be married if they expected it and most importantly made choices to that affect. A lot of women want to waste their young years having children by men who never intended to be there for the long haul let alone marry them, waste their young years having this so called fun at the expense of complaining later about no good men, or all the good men are taken.
I honestly believe that if Black women and men were primed early on to revere marriage and look at marriage as a positive; more marriages would happen in our communities. Perhaps more husbands/fathers would be in the homes and stay in the homes—because it started out on a solid base (hopefully)
Some women get negative views of marriage early on from their mothers? Not only negative views, but I have also seen online some posters say that they don’t know a single, solitary happy marriage. My response is usually in-depth, but my usual go to retort is,
“So baby daddies, one night stands, friends with benefits, your “friend” is that much better than a husband?
Of course those questions are NEVER answered. At the end of the day, I believe the general consensus is, Black women do want marriage like any other woman, but so many make choices that aren’t conductive towards marriage.
I also believe that some view marriage as a death sentence, as a non-important factor to their lives and I wholeheartedly believe that is a defense mechanism. Please let me say this; for those who genuinely don’t want to be married this is not for you or about you.